Sober
by Rhea1305
Summary: Songfic from Jim's POV. Song is P!nk's "Sober" Jim's looking at life in the past and present. Language is a little risky. Which is why it's rated T.


**A/N:** this came to me at five in the morning, during one of my bouts of insomnia. The song is Sober by P!nk and it seemed to fit. Anyways, R&R. Rhea

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the song or the characters.

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**Sober **

_I don't wanna be the one who laughs the loudest  
Or the one who never wants to be alone  
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning  
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home _

I used to want to drown myself in a bottle. It didn't matter what it was. Just as long as I got drunk and I felt better. It was great. I was the life of any party or bar, well that was until I managed to get into a fight. It wasn't everyday, it wasn't every time. But it was a lot.

Things have changed now I have a purpose. I have Bones. I've cut down on the drinking, for him more than anything else. Starfleet threatened to drop me if I didn't quit or at least slow down, but I didn't do it for them. I did it for Bones.

I didn't want him to wake up to a phone call at four in the morning. He'd know from the first ring it was about me. I'm the only person in his world who wouldn't be at home. They'd tell him I'd been in another fight and he'd have to patch me up. I didn't want to be the call where some poor bastard had to tell him I was dead. From alcohol. From a fight, it wouldn't matter to Bones. All that would matter was the fact I was dead.

_The sun is blinding,  
__I stayed up again  
I am finding  
that's not the way I want my story to end _

I guess I got tired of waking up in the middle of the afternoon, being blinded by the light, even though the curtains were drawn. I got sick of waking up to find Bones gone, with a note saying he didn't want to wake me, or make my hangover worse. The best part of those notes was the part where he said that when I woke up, to page him and he'd bring me a hangover cure.

_I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me  
but why do I feel this party's over?  
No pain, Inside, You're like protection  
How do I feel this good sober? _

I always felt better when I was drunk. Always. It was like being up high. I was above all the problems of my past. The dead father, the arsehole of an uncle, the mother who was never there, the repeated stints in prison. I was above it after a drink, nothing could touch me.

Then Bones, the party didn't end as such. We still drink; we still go out to bars. But the difference is we go together now. I don't go on my own, like I used to. Now when I drink there's no pain. It's all gone. Like before, but the difference is: when I come down the pain's not there, then, either. It took me a while to work out why. Few trips to a bar, that's all, I realised it was because Bones was there, like protection. Protecting me from my past.

_I don't wanna be the one who has to fill the silence  
The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth  
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation  
Cos I won't remember, save your breath, 'cos what's the use?_

I hate being on my own. I hate silence. Even now. I have to fill the silence with something. Bones knows now, that if I've gone to bed before him, he'll have to take my personal stereo out of my ear, to make sure I don't break it in my sleep, or get hurt. I don't like silence, because everything that's ever happened plays over and over in my head.

I can't remember most of times Bones and I have had the "you should stop drinking" conversation. It was far to many to count and I was usually really drunk. Far too drunk actually. He told that he started to have a grouch at me and I told him "to save his breath". He continued anyway. I always wondered what the point to them was. Eventually I realised it was to show he cared. To show that there was another human being on this Earth that gave a shit about me. It worked.

_The night is calling?  
And it whispers to me softly come and play  
I am falling  
and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame _

I still get the urge sometimes to go and drink. I don't though, not unless Bones comes with me. There's something hat whispers to me, tells me exactly what I already know. I can't do anything without Bones, not anymore. I need him, like I needed to drink.

I get scared though, one day he might not be there. One day he won't be there if that call at four a.m needs to be answered. I get a feeling in my stomach, like I'm falling. I've realised, if I push him away like I've done everybody else, I've only got myself to blame.

_I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me  
but why do I feel this party's over?  
No pain, Inside, You're like perfection  
How do I feel this good sober? _

I don't know why he stays. Maybe it's because we're a little bit of the same. He's got fuck all after the divorce; I've never had much in the way of love. That's why when he whispers, in the dark, holding me close, that he loves me. It's then I know, I know he means it. He might not leave like everyone else. He's my version of perfection: my grouchy Doctor, with dark hair, hazel eyes and the determination to stay.

_I'm coming down, coming down, coming down  
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round  
Looking for myself – sober_

_I'm coming down, coming down, coming down  
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round  
Looking for myself – sober_

I used to spin round and round. Looking for a way to find the person I wanted to be. I felt comfortable as the "only genius level repeat offender in the mid-west." It was who I was for a long time, but it wasn't me. I knew who I was when I was drunk, I don't remember it, but I did. I was the same person every time. Then after the come down and the bed spin and the throwing up, I'd be back to the start, looking for that person, when I was sober.

_When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad  
till you're trying to find the you that you once had  
I have heard myself cry: never again  
broken down in agony just tryin' to find a fit _

When it's going good, it's great and then it usually goes wrong. Life always does. It used to be when I woke up after a drink; unable to find the Jim Kirk from the night before. The pain in your head, the sickness in your stomach, the dizzy feeling when you move, the fact that a pin dropping makes you want to kill someone because of the noise. I'd often say "Never again" when I woke up like that, in an alley somewhere usually. Before I got to the academy, there was no one to pick me up. No one to take me home. No one to care. So it happened a lot.

_I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me  
but why do I feel this party's over?  
No pain, Inside, You're like perfection  
How do I feel this good sober?_

I'm safe now, always high, nothing can ever touch me here. So long as I have Bones and he loves me, I'll be fine. There won't be any pain. I'll be able to get through anything and everything that comes my way. Through the academy, though whatever may happen out in space, so long as Bones is there.

_How do I feel this good sober?_

I took me years to work out the answer to that question. Now I wonder why, because I suppose it was there all along. How do I feel this good sober? With Bones by my side.

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Well? what did you think? Review please :)

Rhea


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